Life, Parenting

Five Habits That Should Be Kept Private

In the words of the wise clergymen from the Princess Bride, “Mawage is wot bwings us togeder. Mawage, that dweam wifin a dweam…” Summed up so beautifully. Marriage is indeed about “wuv, tru wuv.”

Another great thing about marriage is the comfort level two people achieve after living together so long. You get to know your spouse inside and out. I have done most things in front of my husband, including shower, laugh till soda came out my nose, and cry. But there are still a few things I refuse to do in front of him.

I don’t know if the tiny deer’s prying eyes would scare me more or my husband’s? 

It’s not because we lack intimacy. We are deeply connected–both emotionally and physically. I just believe certain things are meant to stay private when it comes to maintaining the female form. I believe marriage should have an element of mystery. Otherwise, things could get dull real quick. And, to be honest, my husband appreciates the fact that I don’t act like a frat boy.

Take burping, for instance. I know many women are in favor of burping in front of their love, while others aren’t. For me, this is a huge no-no. There’s no way I’d join my husband in a burping contest. Here are five more things I would never do in front of my spouse:

1. Go to the bathroom with the door open: Sorry ladies, no can do. I know some of you may disagree with me. Perhaps you think “spouses that pee together stay together.” Not me. After eighteen years of marriage, I can say that my guy has never accompanied me to the bathroom. In fact, I pretend it doesn’t even happen. Case closed.

2. Remove hair: I don’t shave, tweeze, or wax in front of my man. Ever. He is not privy to my hair removal routine. As long as my legs are silky smooth, he shouldn’t complain. Although knowing my guy, he’d probably insist on shaving my legs for me.

3. Trim toenails: I don’t know why this grosses me out. I don’t want to see my guy trimming his toenails, and to be fair, I will do the same for him. I get my pedicures done at a salon far from his looming eyes. That way, when I return home, my toes are bubblegum-a-licious.

My daughter and I usually get our toes done together.

4. Curse like a sailor: I have to confess, this remains a bit of a challenge for me. Not that I’m in the habit of cursing like a sailor. But, I have on occasion let a few choice expletives leave my mouth. My husband’s response, “that’s just a lazy way to speak.” He doesn’t find it attractive when women curse.

5. Break wind: Although I love the movie Dirty Dancing, in particular the song, “She’s Like the Wind,” I don’t want my husband starting a new version of that song called, “She Passes Wind.” In fact, I won’t even say the word “f_ _ t.” Maybe you can suggest some alternatives.

Do you do these things in front of your spouse? Have I left out any other no-no’s?

About Anka

Spent forty grand on a journalism degree just to learn that truth is stranger than fiction. Now I spend my days changing diapers and eating bon bons. If you're looking for a place to commiserate, then come join me at keepingitrealmom.com. It's kind of like a playdate, but for grown ups.

Discussion

49 Responses to “Five Habits That Should Be Kept Private”

  1. AMEN SISTER!

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 6:02 am
  2. I agree on all five counts! Too funny, my husband walked in the other day when I was cutting my toe nails. It was as if I was doing something horrible! I don’t think he wanted to think of me having to do that. In twenty years… I don’t think he ever thought of it. Well, as long as I can’t afford pedicures for a while.. he’s gonna have to suck it up now isn’t he? LOL… :( <<< me feeling sorry for myself! ;)

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 6:06 am
    • Aw, Diane, I hide when I trim my toenails too! It’s funny how, even after all these years, we don’t want our men to discover our beauty secrets. By the way, I don’t get pedicures that often either. My daughter and I usually go for Mother’s Day or my birthday! ;)

      Posted by Anka | April 5, 2013, 12:39 pm
  3. I’m with you. Although, I’ve been known to let a burp fly here and there. But I always feels so ashamed. I could win a burping contest though for sure.

    However, even though I’ve managed to keep all of these lovely secrets somewhat secret in our 13 year marriage, all bets were off when he watched me give birth twice.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 6:10 am
    • There are days I’m tempted to burp, but nothing comes out. I haven’t learned the art of burping just yet. Maybe I need to down more carbonated drinks. As for giving birth, yeah, that pretty much cancels out all of these no-no’s. It’s very difficult to maintains one’s dignity after labor and delivery.

      Posted by Anka | April 5, 2013, 12:42 pm
  4. Scratch your balls in the morning….

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 6:17 am
  5. I have done all of these things in front of my husband…I always quickly leave the room if I have to ‘break wind” but one has slipped before.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 6:54 am
    • Ha! Your comment cracked me up! I love how you try to discretely leave the room. I’m guessing someone in the family has called you out on it. Kids think passing gas is THE funniest thing on earth! ;)

      Posted by Anka | April 5, 2013, 12:45 pm
  6. Man and wife. Just say man and wife!!! God, I love Princess Bride. Thx for quoting that!!

    As for these 5 things, I think my wife exposed me to all of them within the first week of dating. Except #5. No joke- the first time she did that in front of me was during sex. And that happened well after the 1st week. ;)

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 6:55 am
  7. OMG! How funny! One lady friend said to me once that she flushes the toilet so no one can hear “her waterfall”. LOL

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 9:19 am
    • Koji, that lady friend of yours is one smart woman! Background noise is a MUST when you’re using the restroom. You can never be too prepared, especially if your kids are trying to barge in on you!

      Posted by Anka | April 5, 2013, 12:49 pm
  8. That bathroom picture is truly horrific. Reminds me of an episode of Married With Children when Peg fancied up the bathroom, and Al didn’t take it well.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 9:26 am
    • You nailed it with the horrific bathroom description! Can you imagine being surrounded by THAT much pink? I won’t even allow my daughter to paint her room pink. Reminds me of pepto bismol.

      Posted by Anka | April 5, 2013, 12:51 pm
  9. Can’t fault that top five, I would had No:5 F…ting as No:1 though, especially if its a Silent-but-Violent one..but that’s just me ;) …butt trumpet is good word for it

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 9:52 am
    • You’re right, Carl! Number one is probably the worst thing you can do in front of your spouse. Oh, and thanks for the suggestion. I can’t wait to share it with my children. They will think the word “trumpet” is a hoot! :)

      Posted by Anka | April 5, 2013, 12:58 pm
  10. while i agree with all, i have broken all as well. sigh.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 12:06 pm
  11. Lol I never would have guessed you’re so reserved. I think I do all of the above except pee with the door open. That’s a no-go for my husband.

    Also, studies show that cursing releases aggression the same as violence does. It doesn’t even come from the language center of the brain. So it’s not a lazy way to speak. It’s a smart way not to kill someone.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 1:28 pm
    • Surprise, surprise, Jill. Although I don’t know if I necessarily consider myself reserved. I am just trying to preserve my femininity. Plus, I have a young daughter who studies my every move and I want to raise her to have manners and poise.

      As for the cursing study you cited, I find it interesting that it doesn’t come for the language center of the brain. Perhaps it is better to let out a few expletives. I guess the alternative to keeping things bottled up could have dire consequences. Yikes!

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 9:30 am
      • Lol.
        Fair enough, maybe reserved is the wrong word. God knows I will have to reign in my burping once I have kids.

        Posted by | April 9, 2013, 11:06 am
  12. I agree a certain amount of mystery is good for a marriage, Anka. Some of these things are bound to happen. What about hubby? Does he do the same for you? I’m just curious.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 4:11 pm
    • You’re right, Amy. Some of these embarrassing grooming habits are bound to happen after years of living together. As for my hubby, he is indeed a gentlemen. In fact, he still insists on opening my door even though I tell him it’s not necessary.

      Hope all is well in your world today! :)

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 9:11 am
  13. Great article! Like you said, I want to think of my lovely wife as the beautiful woman she is — not have her acting like a frat boy who lacked parental supervision growing up.

    Posted by | April 5, 2013, 8:14 pm
    • Both you and my husband share the same opinion. He doesn’t find it attractive when women act like frat boys. And as you mentioned, unladylike behavior could come across as a lack of parental supervision. I certainly don’t want my daughter to be raised this way!

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 8:53 am
  14. I think me and the wife do all 5 in front of each other! Maybe we should get curtains for our cave. ;)

    Posted by | April 6, 2013, 1:11 am
  15. I have found our difference!! I do all of these. Sadly, we used to have an open door on the bathroom all the time when the kids were little. It took awhile to break them of that bad habit to learn privacy!

    Posted by | April 6, 2013, 4:48 am
    • Kerry, I can’t believe it! We’ve finally discovered something that separates us. My husband wouldn’t mind if the door stayed open but I covet my privacy way too much to allow that to happen! :)

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 8:47 am
  16. Couldn’t agree more. Hubbs is not privy to any of my primping routines, all he needs to know is that I do it and when he gets home from golf, by the time he’s out of the shower, I’m “magically” ready — curvy, feminine, fluffed, plucked and ready to go :) Cheers!

    MJ

    Posted by | April 6, 2013, 6:03 am
    • MJ, your hubby is an anomaly indeed! My husband is pretty darn good about his grooming routines, but I have seen a rogue eyebrow or two. I think it’s great that your man still puts in an effort to look good for you! :)

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 9:15 am
      • He does still put in the effort for me but, truth be told, he’s always been that way — grade school photos of him show a little boy in a buttoned up shirt, his hair neatly combed – and he did it himself!! ;) MJ

        Posted by | April 10, 2013, 4:02 am
    • I love how you phrased it, “magically ready!” Primping routines are magical, aren’t they? Our spouses don’t need to know what goes on behind the scenes. Like you said, the important thing is that we’re “fluffed, plucked and ready to go!” Thanks for sharing, MJ! :)

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 9:19 am
  17. How do you feel about popping zits? I remember the first time I saw the movie Terms of Endearment when I was a teenager and the scene where she pops a zit on her husband’s back was one of the most romantic things in my mind! I remember thinking “Wow, that’s what I want. Someone you’re so close with that you don’t mind popping their back zit!” haha!! I think that’s more along the marriage that my husband and I have….we are pretty darn open!!!

    Posted by | April 6, 2013, 6:16 am
    • Oh, Melissa, you’re a crack up! Popping zits is definitely not something I would EVER consider. I guess I’m way more modest than I thought. I applaud you for being so open and comfortable with your hubby!

      Posted by Anka | April 9, 2013, 9:08 am
  18. I agree, Anka. there are some things best left to the mysteries and vagaries…

    Posted by | April 6, 2013, 10:06 am
  19. Agree on all five counts, and my guy has never witnessed me coloring my hair, or asked about my having it done professionally. Twenty years this June. :)

    Posted by | April 10, 2013, 7:24 am
    • How could I forget the hair coloring factor? That’s a good one. Though my guy does know I get my hair processed. Fortunately, he’s never seen my head wrapped in foils. By the way, congratulations on being married for nearly twenty years!

      Posted by Anka | April 11, 2013, 7:46 am
      • Uh oh. My husband used to help me color my home when I did it myself. I’d get in the bathtub to avoid making a huge mess and he’d put on those plastic gloves and squirt the dye on my head. It was pretty hysterical at the time, but I suppose the cat was out of the bag on hair coloring..

        Posted by | April 16, 2013, 9:51 am
      • Ha! I’m getting a visual of your hubby trying to touch up your roots. That’s too funny! I actually mastered the technique of covering my greys several years back. The only risk I run from doing it at home is my husband walking in on me while the color is processing. Yikes!

        Posted by Anka | April 16, 2013, 4:34 pm
  20. You pretty much covered the no-nos beautifully!

    Posted by | April 18, 2013, 11:56 am
  21. Great post,Thank you! for sharing it for us- Have nice day:

    Posted by | May 1, 2013, 7:55 am

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